Cinema: A movie that simply isn't cool for Cats ...

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So, Cats really is as awful as the critics said.

The claws were out the moment it hit the big screen, and for good reason.

Tom Hooper’s movie is awful - a mishmash of ideas, few of which come off.

But, above all, it boring.

It’s the classic “if you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen the best bits” -  an approach which generally doesn't lead to being invited on stage to collect any awards or accolades. No backs will be slapped following the making of this movie

Cats may well be follow in the paw prints  of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical, but in doing so, it just reveals to complete lack of an actual plot.

And what works on stage - where the performers bring some personality to their roles - flatlines on screen.

The fact Hooper finished the film at 8:00am the day before its world premiere tells you all you need to know about the tinkering that was going on right up until deadline to salvage something from the mess.

Despite an all-star cast, the attempt to turn humans into moggies is a catastrophic failure. 

The film tells the story of  abandoned moggie, Victoria - played by the Royal Ballet’s Francesca Hayward  - who encounters the Jellicle Cats who are all keen to be the one picked at the Jellicle Ball and given an extra life.

They all have to impress Old Deuteronomy, played by Judi Dench,  a cat who, bizarrely wears a fur coat and is never asked why - basically a feline Simon Cowell with the power to make or break a
career for the cat which who owns the stage and makes the song their own.

It really is all a bit X-Factor as the wannabes sing for that precious tenth life - the cat world’s equivalent of making it through to the judges’ house stage.

The cast are all covered in fur  but strangely almost nude at the same time, and never seem to know whether they are meant to be on four paws or two legs.

Idris Elba’s Macavity appears to have come direct from an X-Men movie given his superpower ability to vanish like a ghost,  and spare a thought for national treasure Ian McKellen whose slurping milk routine brings back distressing memories of George Galloway on Big Brother.

James Corden ’s Bustopher Jones character is literally dumped halfway through the movie. He ends up shackled on a barge in the middle of the Thames, pretty much forgotten about until the end.

Even the signature song, Memories, is giving a kicking by Jennifer Hudson. At that point someone really should have shouted “cut!”

The only hope for Cats is it becomes a cult movie - one of those it’s-so-bad-you-gotta-see-it films.

Put it this way, I enjoyed a gloriously deep half hour sleep midway through the film, and I’m pretty sure I missed nowt

Cats is on general release.

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